


Can I Be Your Son Instead?

by Ayantiel



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: FTM, Other, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-11
Updated: 2012-10-11
Packaged: 2017-11-16 02:37:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/534546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayantiel/pseuds/Ayantiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She first asked her daddy if instead of his daughter, she could be his son when she was 8.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Cabin Crew Riot  
> October 2012
> 
> Prompt: Conflict with Self

Her name had never been Martha. She wasn't sure wether that was a good thing or not, because as atrocious as the name was, it might have sent her on the path of changing her name sooner and realised that that wasn't the only thing she could change about herself.

Marlene was a pretty name, she thought. She'd told her mum so too, but still asked why mummy and daddy had picked it out for her. She didn't feel pretty. Her mother took the 5-year old in her lap and gave her big hug.

'Has your brother been mean to you again?' Lauren Crieff said. ' Don't listen to what anybody says, alright darling? You're my beautiful little girl.'

But she didn't really want to be pretty. She just didn't want to feel so wrong.

–

They had an uncle, Stephen, who lived in America and they only saw once or twice a year at most. Whenever they saw him, usually at Christmas, the children would gather around and listen to his stories. He had traveled all over the world and seen all kinds of places. His stories were adapted a little to be better suited for children's ears and it was this fantasy world that Marlene dreamed of being a part of. She wanted to fly, just like uncle Stephen.

When she first admitted her wish to be an aeroplane when she grew up, the adults laughed. But even after she'd realised her mistake and that humans couldn't be aeroplanes, the adults still laughed when she said she wanted to be a pilot.

She later asked Simon about it. He was the oldest and therefor the smartest, so naturally he must know the answer.

'That's because girls can't be pilots!' Simon said wisely. 'Girls become nurses or... or those ladies that type in offices!'

'But I don't want to do that!' Marlene cried, tears welling up.

'Then don't be a stupid girl!' Simon snapped and quickly left. He never could stand it when either of his sisters cried.

–

She first asked her daddy if instead of his daughter, she could be his son when she was 8.

'Silly girl. You're perfect as you are, Marly.'  
Vincent Crieff said and kissed his daughter on the forehead.


	2. Chapter 2

Marlene kept dreaming of becoming a pilot. She would doodle little aeroplanes in the notebooks at school and stare out the windows to watch the birds perform their intricate dance.

She didn't fit in. The girls thought she was weird and the boys called her names when the teacher couldn't hear. During lunch break when everyone had their secret little clubs, Marlene would pull out book after book on aeroplanes and aviation.

–

Whenever she was playing with Simon's lego set, her mother would call her to help with the dishes or set the table. Even though she never asked Caitlin to do that when she was playing with her dolls.

–

At Christmas when aunts and uncles she didn't see for the rest of the year asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, the answer would always be: a pilot.

'If you want to fly so badly, why don't you become a stewardess instead?' Aunt Georgia asked. 'That way you can travel all over the world too!'  
She said it like she had found the answer to a question that would win her the lottery.

For a span of 2 days Marlene considered it. But the pictures on the folders never appealed to her. She didn't want to be one of the ladies with brilliant smiles and wearing skirts. She wanted to be like those enigmatic pilots. Strong and confident!

–

She was 12 when she asked her dad a second time if should could be his son instead.

Vincent Crieff took her aside and kissed her forehead.

'Is this about the pilot thing?' he asked.

Yes, thought Marlene so she nodded.

'You know there are also female pilots right?' Her dad said. She hadn't know that.

'If it really means that much to you, you can of course try. But it's hard work!'

She nodded, determined to make him proud. This was more than what she'd hoped for. But somehow there still was a nagging feeling.

Vincent Crieff didn't notice his daughter's frown when he said 'You'll always be my little girl, Marly.'


	3. Chapter 3

A few months later Marlene got her first period. Looking back she thinks that's the only time her mother was actually proud of her.

–

'My little girl is becoming a woman!'

Marlene was pretty sure that particular cramp had nothing to do with biology.

–

When she had some trouble with her physics homework, her dad showed her. He was ever so patient and before long, Marlene knew the electric wire layout of common aeroplanes and could help him with his job.

'If that pilot thing doesn't work out, you could always be an electrician.' Vincent said.

'I want to fly, dad.' Marlene said, but she smiled. She always wanted to be more like dad than like mum.

–

In class they learn about the differences in male and female anatomy. Simon calls her a perv when she's still staring at the pictures in the book when they're at home.

–

Her first crush is the girl that sit next to her in physics when she's fourteen. By then physics is her best subject and she gladly helps her classmate with her homework. A warmth spreads through her when Emily smiles at her and thanks her.

Later at home she is petrified of what her family will think if they ever find out.

–

'Dad?' She asks when she and her father are working in the garage.

'Yes darling?'

'Is it... Have you ever liked someone you shouldn't?'

Vincent Crieff looks up from his work and looks at his daughter thoughtfully. It is a thing she appreciates from him. He never gives a thoughtless answer.

'I don't think there is such a thing, Marly. Your affections may not always be returned, but that doesn't make it wrong.'

Marlene nods. A light blush covering her cheeks.

–

3 weeks later Emily's father gets a job offer in Scotland and she moves without saying goodbye. Marlene never did muster up the courage to confess to her, she wonders if that's good or bad.

–

When she comes home, heartbroken, Vincent Crieff takes one look at his daughter and without saying a word takes her by the hand and goes for icecream.

Marlene is quiet all the way home, but the next day joins her father in garage.

'Her name was Emily' she confesses.

'That's a beautiful name' is all her father says. Marlene smiles and silently agrees that, yes, it is a beautiful name. And it fit her too.


	4. Chapter 4

She was 17 when she finally put a finger on why she always felt so off. Why her body felt alien to her and her name wasn't hers.

She was required to work together with a classmate for a project and she was paired with Joanna. At first Marlene had thought they had something in common when she noticed her tomboyish looks. Joanna was rough, as strong as any other boy and could swear like a sailor. She acted like no other girl Marlene knew dared to.

They didn't really get along though. Marlene's social skills hadn't really improved through the years and her discomfort with her own body ensured that she never felt confident when talking to people. They always noticed.

In an effort to at least get on a bit, Marlene started some small talk and told of her dream to become a pilot. Joanna already knew that of course, Marlene wasn't exactly quiet about the whole thing and could talk about planes for hours. What Joanna didn't know though was how her family had responded. Suddenly she was far more friendlier towards her.

'Oh I know, girl.' She said. 'But don't let no man tell you what you can and cannot do!'

Actually, it had mostly been her mum's not quite so subtle comments that she disliked the most. But her new-found friend wouldn't like to hear that, so she kept quiet.

–

Joanna introduced her into the concept of feminism. It seemed a bit strange to her though that while Joanna preached for equality, no man could ever be as good as a woman in her eyes.

'They're just so stupid, you know?' She'd say. 'Like their brain's completely different!'

And that's when Marlene knew.

–

She looked up tons of books and articles, and discovered a whole new world. There were more people like her. People who were born in the wrong body. Like she had a male brain trapped in a female body.

–

It took some time, but eventually he got used to using a different pronoun for himself. If only in his own thoughts.

–

'Dad' He asked on his 18th birthday. 'Can I be your son instead?'

Vincent Crieff looked at his daughter thoughtfully, like he always did before giving his answer.

'I think you've always been, haven't you?'  
and he kissed his son on his forehead.


	5. Chapter 5

His mother wasn't as easily convinced. She was convinced it was just a phase and refused to call her youngest child any other name than Marlene.

Martin hated it, but at least his dad had found a way to not upset his mother and still respect his wishes. His usual nickname for him had transformed from Marly to Marty. It sounded almost the same and even if Lauren Crieff heard, she had gotten progressively good at ignoring anything she didn't want to notice.

–

When Martin started taking hormones he became part of the list of things his mother didn't want to notice.

It broke his heart and though it became as bad that he couldn't even live in the same house anymore, he wasn't about to stop.

–

His brother and sister didn't really understand, but as Simon once told him when he visited him in his dorm room:

'I guess I now have a baby brother instead of a baby sister to protect. Doesn't really make much of a difference.'

–

To Martin it did make a big difference though. So much so that when he failed his first CPL because he was too nervous about the upcoming operation, he still managed to smile.

–

The transition was awkward and soon he got tired of explaining it to people. Nobody else was ever expected to justify their gender and there only so many times one could hear the question: 'But what's your REAL name?'

–

'But you're actually a girl, right?' also got boring, very fast.

–

When the examiners found out his 'real sex', getting his CPL became ever more difficult. It wasn't that he was a girl in their eyes. Female aspiring pilots never got as much trouble as he did.

No, it's because he was less than a woman, and less than a man in their eyes.

When one exceptionally creepy examiner had him alone, he felt a hand slip up his thigh.

'You've just never been properly had by a man, right?'

That was the first and probably last time he ever punched someone in the face. He broke his hand in the process and needless to say he failed that test.

The 7th time they took him more seriously though.

–

It was bittersweet that it took his father's funeral for his mother to finally call him 'Martin'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favourite of the fics I've written for the riot. If people like it, I might write more of this setting.


End file.
